Emotional Breakdown or Emotional Breakthrough?

My entire life I was raised in religion. I went to a Lutheran Preschool, I attended Vacation Bible School with my neighbors at their Baptist Church, I was in Catholic School from Kindergarten through High School, so I am not new to religion. I will admit that after being in a private school my whole life, once I graduated high school, I did drift away from attending church regularly, but I still considered myself religious and definitely a Christian.

I think a lot of us have found ourselves making deals with a higher being when something terrible happens in our lives or when we want something badly. Something like, “If you heal my friend or let me get this new job, I will go to church more” or “I will never ask you for anything again….” I openly admit I have had those conversations in the past. You will do anything in hopes that a miracle occurs.

When we got Jackson’s Fragile X diagnosis, I turned to my faith. I prayed hard and long. I prayed that his test results were wrong (I was in severe denial), I prayed he would lead a normal life, I prayed that our trip to Cincinnati would give us answers or possibly a treatment or some peace of mind. Then, I prayed that I had the strength and the courage to fight for our son every single day of his life. On top of advocating for Jackson, I work full time and just took on a part time job, my husband works full time, we have another son who obviously needs us, we have schedules to keep straight between 4 people, Parents As Teachers, Speech Therapy, ABA Therapy, school calendars, cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. It is A LOT!!

Today, I was driving to get my morning coffee and heard Danny Gokey’s “Haven’t Seen it Yet” on the radio. I had never heard this song before, but in listening to the lyrics something hit me. I wasn’t in prayer mode or thinking about anything else while driving, but at a stop light I just started bawling. You hear people say, “The Spirit moved them.” I can’t say for sure what caused this burst of emotion. It could’ve been the daily stressors of my life needing to escape, it could’ve been the lyrics speaking to my subconscious letting me know that I just need to keep that faith that something big is coming. Whatever it was, after I wiped away the tears and finally stopped crying, I felt a sense of relief wash over me.

I don’t need to understand what transpired during that car ride and honestly, I never will. I will just continue to keep the faith that a higher being and a lot of guardian angels are continuing to watch over my family and maybe, just maybe, we will see that victory that Danny Gokey was singing about.

XOXO